Many families have parents or grandparents who are getting older and quite suddenly can't manage on their own. After Jane's mom had a fall and broke her hip she seemed to age and was a little disorientated. Jane knew her mom could no longer live alone. Jane lived too far away from her mother to oversee her daily activities. Now her mom is settled in her new home where all her needs are met. Help is at hand round-the-clock. She is reminded to take her medications. She is eating wholesome meals prepared for her and she is even making new friends. At last Jane can breathe easily and sleep at night knowing that her mom is well cared for.
The change in circumstances came about suddenly and without warning. Jane's mom would need on-going care and organizing it looked daunting. If you are in a situation like Jane's you will make the process easier on yourself by using these steps.
Step 1: Don't Panic. Take a deep breath.
You are not the only one in this situation and no one is ever ready. Try as we might we are not prepared for our parents becoming incapacitated. If you calm down and stop wringing your hands you will have a better chance of dealing with the situation. The sooner you accept that this is a responsibility you will have to take on the better off you will be.
Step 2: Make Arrangements to Visit
Yes, in order to arrange for appropriate care for your parent you will have to be there. Plan on staying at least a week. It may take longer. If you have siblings encourage one of them to come as well. Too many people trying to make this decision can make it more difficult so if there are four or five of you it might be wise if some of them came to visit later or came for a day or two and went home.
Step 3: Research Local Agencies
Before you leave do an internet search for agencies in the area. Try terms like: in home care, care facilities, board and care, nursing homes, assisted living. What you are looking for depends on the level of care that will be needed.
Step 4: Develop Strategies
Your parent will not willingly move to an assisted living facility. He or she wants to stay at home. Equally the parent will not happily accept someone coming into the home to help. There are privacy issues not to mention change of lifestyle. Yet you can see these changes are necessary and it becomes your job to implement them to the satisfaction of your parent. How?
If the home is suitable for home help, that may be the best solution. It should be single story and there will need to be alterations to the bathroom.
If the home is not suitable you will have done your research on assisted living facilities and board-and-care facilities. Board-and-care facilities are independently run, are smaller and can be more "homey" and less expensive. Be sure the board-and-care facilities have licenses and ask for references.
You must visit all candidates before making a decision. Try to imagine yourself living there. If it doesn't look like a good fit reject it. There will be something else. You may have to broaden your horizons.
Finally you will have to confront your parent with the options. Be sure to remain calm. Your parent will be agitated enough for both of you. Do not present it as a "done deal" at first. Build up to it over a series of visits. If there is dementia or other cognitive impairment you will use other means of communication such as touch.
Be firm in your resolve that this will turn out just fine.
Maggie Walters, Founder of Coaching for Family Living, helps families with aging parents develop strategies to manage the frustrations and stress brought on by their parents' sudden need for care. Read her book, Finding the Bloom of the Cactus Generation: Improving the Quality of Life for Seniors and discover how to find avenues of communication and ease the tensions. Buy it now at [cactusgeneration.com]
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