Caregivers Take the Blinders Off

When you're a sandwich generation caregiver, often that's left over after everyone is cared for are crumbs. Caregivers need to take extra special care of them selves to assure they don't get burned out. Learning good self-care techniques requires a willingness to survive and prosper in a very difficult phase of life.

I think the biggest obstacle that caregivers face is they wear blinders. By blinders I mean they don't recognize the need to talk with mom or dad about what they want when things go south. Aging parents, also wear blinders, they don't want to be a burden or worry their adult children with their problems. Aging parents and their adult children need to take the blinders off and talk about the realistic plans for the future if they are going to get through health declines unscathed.

Planning discussions involve asking mom and dad what they want, what they can afford, and what you as a caregiver can offer. Mom and dad my want the pie in the sky scenario, but only be able to afford a cup of jo. Having planning conversations while mom or dad are still healthy is key. These conversations benefit the caregiver in several ways, they help the caregiver identify what needs to be done to assure mom's safety, dignity and independence in her most frail days. They help the caregiver and parent start setting up community resources if savings aren't adequate. They can even help caregivers in planning for their own golden years. It is important for adult children to trust their guts and bring up these topics when the time is right. Parent's blinders are strong and they are likely to resist initiating these discussion in a timely manner.

Unfortunately for many the blinders get knocked off by a terrible jolt. Mom has fallen and can't get up. She broke a hip, needed a hip replacement, went to rehab and is home now, but barely gets around. No plans were made and sis, who lives close by is left holding the bag. These scenarios occur everyday, and now sis who has her own family and career has to figure out how to care for mom. The good news is that she's not alone, and there are tons of service providers willing to help some are covered by Medicare while others are not. The bad news is she needs to figure it all out.

Figuring it all out can be stressful. This is your mom for goodness sake, you love her, she has always been there for you, and now the reality that one day she may not is settling in. That emotional strain alone can be too heavy to bear. So here are a few steps to take care. First, ask for help many communities have care giver support groups, and area agencies on aging where you can get help. Next, give yourself a break and try not to worry so much. Give yourself permission to worry everyday at 2:00 -2:15 and then tell yourself at 8:30 or 5:00 it's not my time to worry. Finally, spent quality time with mom, the kids, and your sweetie tell them how much you love them, what you can and cannot do, and ask for hugs.

Vince Chiles, LCSW is the author of a self-published book Happiness in Five Minutes a Day which is scheduled to be released to the public 3/26/08. Information about Vince and his book can be obtained by going to [happinessinfive.com]