I am always looking for or trying to create relevant home care content for the website, all the gurus are constantly telling us that if we are going to post make sure it is relevant. But really, what is that?
According to Merriam Webster relevant means: having significant and demonstrable bearing on the matter at hand. That makes sense when writing for your website but one of the synonyms for relevant is relative and that leads directly to the subject of this post.
The other day I was having coffee with another happinesslifetime.com home care agency owner and he related a story to me which has disturbed me daily. He was visiting a family for whom he provide a caregiver. It was a Sunday afternoon and the elderly parent was with him in the living room as he sat and chatted with the family. As they chatted with each other and discussed what they would do for dinner no conversation was directed at mom. She was not asked what she would like to do for dinner, go out or maybe the son would barbecue. It was like she was invisible.
Mom, who I will call Janice has always been the revered matriarch of the family. She and her husband had six children and raised them on a ranch in Montana. Though the children always worked the ranch with their parents when dad was diagnosed with COPD along with lung cancer it was evident that the two sons and four daughters had no interest in maintaining the family ranch. So through a series of family meetings, guided by Janice, it was decided to sell the homestead and head to the warmer climes of Arizona.
Dad died several years ago and now mom who is 86 lives with her youngest son, his wife and their last son to be in the house who is attending ASU. Her mind is sharp, her eyesight fair and hears OK with hearing aids. She does have balance issues and has fallen several times. That is why it was decided to have home care for her during the day when the son and his wife are working.
So how is it that this rancher's wife who bore all six children at home in eastern Montana, who pulled calves along side her husband in winter storms, who managed the finances of the ranch and dealt with the bankers, who made the decision to sell the 8,000 deeded acres and move to the desert is now not even asked her opinion on dinner?
Now don't get the impression that the family doesn't love her, they adore her and would do anything for her. It is just that she has lost relevancy in their lives. It wasn't a decision that was made it just crept in over time.
The son and his wife don't get home till after 7 pm so the caregiver makes her supper before leaving and make sure that she is ready for bed. When they get home they spend some time with mom seeing how her day went but then they are off taking care their own life issues.
Since then, I have talked to other happinesslifetime.com home care agency owners and it seems to be pretty much common place in today's world. So how can we combat this decaying family relationship? Here are three tips that you might consider.
Supper time is family time. With today's frantic pace it might not be possible to have a family meal on every night of the week but the weekends should be sacrosanct as family meal time. Whoever is cooking should tell the parent what is being prepared and then asked if that sounds good. Many aging parents are so used to having their meals in their room that the family doesn't think to extend an invitation. Sometimes the aging parent doesn't want to join the family due to feeling like they are intruding. This is a hard thing to work through but it can be done. Once the parent is joining you at the supper table make sure that they are wearing their hearing aids so they can hear what is being said and hopefully contribute to the conversation.
It is great to get out. If your aging parent is mostly home bound and only gets out to go to the doctor then life really gets boring. Plan short outings and make a big deal out of it. Take a Saturday morning pick up a Starbucks caramel macchiato and a blueberry scone and head out to look at the fall colors. How about a evening drive around the neighborhood to look at the Christmas lights, hot chocolate goes good here. You get the idea.
It's hobby time. As we have said many times in this forum learning something new keeps the gray matter young and the synapses popping. Checkers is easy but chess is more strategic and requires more planning and thinking. Learning to play the piano doesn't require a Spinet but can be accomplished with a laptop keyboard. How about sketching or painting? When choosing a hobby to suggest to your parent look at activities that will produce a product that can be shared with you when you get home.
I am sure that you can come up with dozens more ideas to reintegrate your parent back into the family fabric just don't get discouraged if you are met with resistance from your parent to begin with, they can get real set in their ways. Keep after it and you will enjoy it...I guarantee it.
Michael Simpson is Director of Visiting Angels in NW Phoenix. They are a home care company providing non-medical in home care for seniors allowing them to stay in their home without going to a assisted living facility. Simpson is in direct daily contact with his caregivers and care recipients and is close to the issues and problems that seniors have to deal with. Their phone number is 623-266-9304 and the website is homecareinarizona.com homecareinarizona.com and can also be found on Face Book at facebook.com/azseniorcare facebook.com/azseniorcare
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