I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her

I love my mother, but I don't like her very much. This is a common feeling for caregivers. Ussually in the dementia caregiving process there comes a point at which your parent no longer recognizes you, and you start to question why you are going through so much anguish when your own parent doesn't even recognize you. It may happen occasionally, and you find yourself prompting: "Mom, it's me Debbie, your daughter?" But when this starts happening with greater frequency, you may start to feel taken for granted.

However this is not the hardest part. Because the way the brain is affected, you may also experience vicious criticism, you may get cussed at, or experience paranoid accusations, even violence may occur. Coupled with irrational behavior, refusal to bathe or change clothing, demands to drive the car, or "sundowning" (when they unreasonably attempt to leave home), your parent may become someone who you would normally have nothing to do with. But you do it because its "family". But when you realize that they don't even seem to know who you are, then for many, it gets a lot hard to tolerate.

You may love them, but not like them. It's like a Science Fiction movie, where the alien possesses the body of a human. You are living with someone who looks like the person you love the most in the world, but they have now become like strangers to you. But if you are feeling this way, it is very important to pause and reassess the situation. Chances are a few years have passed since you first decided that you would be the primary caregiver for your mom or dad. But now it's time to ask yourself these important questions:

Does your loved one need more help than before? Bathing? Dressing? Grooming? Toileting?
Do you find that as time has passed you are doing EVERYTHING for them?
Do feel like you no longer have your own life?
Are you concerned or have you noticed that your own health is worsening?

If you said yes to any two of these questions, then YOU are the one that needs help, now. There are many people, places and agencies that can take care of your loved one. But how many people are out there that can help you? What happens to you if you get seriously ill and can no longer take care of your mom or dad? You should know that statistically, adults that are under chronic stress are at a much higher risk for heart attack, stroke, diabetes, even colds, flu and pneumonia. Not to mention that stress suppresses your immune system, opening you up to a long list of very serious conditions.

It's called "caregiver burnout" or "compassion fatigue" and it's time to start what we call Caring for the Caregiver. Regardless of your original decision to take care of your parent or spouse, you did your best but now it's time get help! There are many resources available for you to consider.

A good place to start is dementiacaresecrets.com dementiacaresecrets.com. Or call your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association and let them know about your situation. You are not alone, and there are many people who have paved the way for you. But you have to decide for yourself to follow that path. It's not going to get easier, why not start now?

Donahue Vanderhider, a Gerontologist practicing in Southern California, has a deep understanding and extensive knowledge of Aging and all its related disorders: both normal and abnormal. He has a Masters Degree from USC and postgraduate training in Clinical Guided Imagery, Metaphysics, and Neuro-linguistic Programming. He has also been on advisory boards to the Alzheimer's Association. His passion and life-long goal is to improve the quality of life of caregivers, especially those dealing with Alzheimer's. He can be found at dementiacaresecrets.com dementiacaresecrets.com