In the last few weeks, just by way of meeting various friends and colleagues for coffee, I encountered highly-educated, well-established, community-entrenched individuals from all cultures and walks of life - each with the same concern: "How do I - and my family - achieve and maintain the well-being of our aging parents?"
A few weeks ago, I met a girlfriend for coffee. Sharing, as friends do, I saw anxiety and concern flush her usually brightly-lit face. A well-educated, world-traveled, accomplished woman who has deep-seated roots in this community, I found myself saddened and admittedly mildly surprised at the questions she posed surrounding her concerns about her aging parent.
I say I was 'mildly surprised', because just days prior I had a similar conversation with a highly-successful entrepreneur with an expansive family and seemingly bottomless budget, posing the same questions and concerns. Add to this an extremely-resourceful professional in town is facing the same dilemma.
The bottom line is the pervasive issue of achieving - and maintaining - the overall well-being of our aging parents is a common theme among Baby Boomers - even those armed with plethora of resources.
Looming questions among Boomers are familiar: Do we move them closer to us? Do we move them in our home? Do we put them in assisted living facilities?
The variables to consider can seem daunting. Jeff Chiodi, CEO of Cypress Home Care a private-duty in-home skilled and companion care agency in Lansing recommends first contacting the Office of Services to the Aging or the Tri-County Office on Aging for an unbiased advice on how to approach this process.
"Deciding whether - and how - to move an aging parent back home to Michigan - or in the home where you reside is an enormous decision that will impact the entire family in many ways - both with challenges and joyfulness," Chiodi says.
If you are among the Boomers faced with this weighty choice, consider these issues to lighten the load as you move towards a new path. Below is a list of issues to consider:
1. The Move
- Who will pack their belongings?
- What will be distributed among family members - or stored? And if they're stored, where? Local storage units and will they be climate controlled or outside? Do you or your siblings have additional room to store packed belongings? Is the paperwork in place to avoid squabbling over who gets what when it's time to dispense?
- How will this downsizing process affect the parent(s)? Remember, most people - at any age - resist change. As we age however, this issue becomes a more dominant trait, because we lose more control (false sense of comfort) of our mind, out body, our surroundings. Keep in mind that any change in environment is multiplied for an aging parent. It is paramount to keep this at the forefront of any decision-making process regarding your parent.
- Who will move the parent's belongings - and the parent? A moving company, various family members, or shipping service? Keep it as simple as possible, but professionals caution that you must keep your parent involved in the process, giving them as much control, input as possible. An exercise in patience may be necessary, but if you're prepared for this ahead of time, it eases the transition for everyone.
2. Administrative Changes
- Health insurance - if this is an out-of-state move, set up your parent's health insurance coverage transition ahead of time by contacting an Independent Agent (one who represents all carriers) rather than a Captive Agent will help you navigate the maze of options and ease the transition.
- Change of address and phone number
- Obtain all medical records and ensuring your parents' new doctors - as well as the sibling 'in charge' retains copies
- Make sure the Power of Attorney is signed
- If your parent doesn't have one now, a Living Will ought to be considered to avoid unnecessary probate headaches
- Change of phone number and contact information for your parent's support system. This is important for your parent's sense of 'control' and comfort. Make sure they will have access to their existing support system and know how to reach them as well as their new support system easily. Make it easy for them to telephone, email, Skype. Not everyone is adept with cell phones and computers, but you may be surprised at how well your aging parent might do with some gentle educating on technology. It will empower them and make them feel more alive and engaged.
3. If you're moving a parent - or both - into your own home:
- Set up 'rules' of the house and schedules ahead of time.
- Ask your parent what is important for them to maintain.
- Ensure everyone's routines are as close to usual as possible to avoid upset, conflict, or disruption.
- They will need their own space and privacy - just as they will need to respect yours and your existing family members'.
- Likely the household temperature will be an issue. So, consider getting a portable heater for their room and put it on a timer for safety precautions.
- Engage your parent in household activities, such as cooking and chores as their ability allows.
- Consider hiring a private duty in-home care agency to assist with various tasks.
- You and your family will need to tend your jobs and current obligations - so setting up a schedule of duties among all family members before the transition is advisable.
- Consider hiring a companion care provider to just keep your parent company to allow for your life to continue as close to usual as possible. Most private-duty in-home care services provide this if you ask. This type of companion care gives your parent someone else to relate to and engage with - even if it's just watching a movie together or going shopping.
- Driving services will help ease the burden of getting your parent out for errands or activities.
- Contact the senior citizen activity centers and make arrangements for your parent to attend at least a weekly activity, if not more.
- If your parent wants to attend church - and it's different from yours - it's imperative to accommodate them on this. Maybe a compromise will be necessary - he goes to your church one week - you accompany him to his church the following. Or perhaps two services per week works best for everyone. Remember to be creative, compassionate, and compromising. Everyone will have to give and bend a little.
4. Assisted living, retirement community, or at home?
- This is a tough choice, but professionals recommend taking this decision one educated step at a time - and beginning by bringing all parties to the Office of Services to the Aging for a preliminary consultation with a Housing Specialist who can help all parties involved navigate through this seemingly complex transition.
5. Above all remember to respect - and be compassionate about - your parent's needs and desires.
Moving is difficult for anyone; it's much more upsetting for your parent who equates his/her sense of safety to their familiar surroundings. One Baby Boomer arranged to have her father removed from his apartment in a retirement community on moving day. She picked him up, took him to her house, and left him alone while the movers packed up all of his belongings and moved him into his new home - an Assisted Living Community.
Her father, upon entering his new home after being left alone all day was understandably shaken. That morning he had awakened in his own home, his own bed, his familiar surroundings, and at the end of the day walked into a new 'facility' with new people, new surroundings, new smells, a rigid schedule, and a room half the size of his apartment that morning - and the majority of his belongings gone. The aging parent to a shock to the system and lost an enormous sense of control within a matter of hours.
To make matters more stressful, he realized - as the days passed, that many of his treasured belongings were missing. The daughter had kept the belongings, given away some, and sold others - without her father's knowledge or consent.
Our aging parents are just that - aging, not void of feelings, sentimentality, or dignity. We must treat them with respect and compassion, not as though they're incapable. Owen cautions that treating your parents like children - and ignoring their needs and wishes - may cause frustration, resentment, animosity, and even confusion.
There is no single answer for any given situation, but these five main issues to consider provide a place to start planning instead of scrambling for solutions 'at need'. Making decisions 'at need' can be costly financially, emotionally, and physically. Start now and plan well.
[Previously published in the Lansing State Journal By: Tamera Nielsen]
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