For many contemporary women expectations that she should be married by the time she's in her mid-twenties would be scoffed at. Primarily because so many women are only just beginning to build their careers while others are doing what men did for years before them - they're playing the field and having fun
At somewhere around aged thirty-seven things begin to change if the woman is still single with not a hint of a decent man on the horizon. Strange things start to happen. For some a once distant ticking becomes a daily drum roll while others hear whispering voices getting a lot louder. Gone are the days of hearing the friendly, "when are you going to give us a day out" to "you'd better get a march on if you don't want to be left on your own." Fear begins to creep into her every pore followed by a fluttering panic and then a fever of sorts breaks out. Behaviour starts to change, sometimes it's focused, other times it's erratic, and then again, there are times when it's downright bizarre. Why? Because it's time to get serious and find the 'One.'
Some women who take up the mantra that 'it's now or never' will pull out all the stops to find a man so they can settle down quickly and start the process of becoming pregnant. You'll see her in bars and clubs scanning the room, smiling at everyone, and greeting each guy as she shimmies past. If by the end of the night, she hasn't been successful in finding a potential mate she'll strategically isolate an unsuspecting drunk guy who became separated from his friends. With luck, soon after they'll be meandering out together to find a taxi. "Maybe this time it will be right," she thinks fervently.
For the woman wanting a 'real' relationship, but with limited time and heavy work commitments she may try online dating. She pursues this new avenue with gusto and a military precision arranging multiple dates each week in her attempt to find 'Mr. Right.' After several weeks, she realises rather than meeting any potential Mr. Rights, she's meeting a whole lot of, 'Mr. I'm not really looking for a relationship just something casual.' Pretty soon she begins to feel like she's given countless interviews while conducting interviews of her own. Before long she's bone tired with the same old questions, 'so what do you work at...what do you do for your weekends...do you want to come back to mine after we leave here? Finally, she opts out disillusioned, immersing herself back in work - for a while at least until she's ready to try again.
There is the woman who through friendship or her social group knows a man who recently became single again. She'd never seen him as a potential partner before but she thinks, 'He's not my type...but maybe I should give it a chance.' They begin dating and while they have common interests, the longed for physical attraction isn't there. She grimaces when his hands caress her, she dreams of being elsewhere when they're intimate and all the while she reasons, "he's a good man, it's better than being alone."
And then there's my own experience some years back with the 'dating agency.' I met with the representative, a nice older lady, who had a long chat with me about my interests, and the type of man I thought would fit into my life. I liked her and so I paid over the fee that would guarantee me a minimum number of dates in the following year. After the first few dates, I began to feel a bit ticked off and wondered, 'Did she hear me at our meeting?' I had described my 'ideal' man (ok, we all have one!) as "a little quirky and in a suit" and around my own age bracket. However, each of my dates had turned out to be substantially older than I was and about as polar opposite from the quirky humorous type of guy I had hoped to meet. I decided to confront the nice agency lady suggesting she might have misheard me when I described my perfect man. "Look dear," she said, "all the best men are married." Gobsmacked as I was then, to this day, I still don't know why she didn't just say what she meant. 'Look dear, you're single, are you not happy enough getting out on a few dates.'
Finding the right person to love and be loved by isn't easy, yet even after failure we continue our search for the perfect relationship. But does it make sense when we know of the growing numbers of people living solo across Europe, the States and even in Ireland? Perhaps we ought to just accept our single status and get on with life. However we also know human beings are social animals, liking the company of others; there are even statistics to prove that we thrive better when we have people around. Isn't that why correctional institutions use isolation as punishment?
Maybe the answer as to why we continue in pursuit of a good relationship is simple. Have you ever been to the theatre or cinema alone? I have, and I've marvelled or laughed at productions and movie plots, then returned home without sharing my thoughts with anyone about what I'd seen. I've also travelled alone and paid the penalty for my audacity by being forced to pay single room supplements and sometimes for the dodgiest and smallest room in the hotel. Being single doesn't have to mean having a limited life but sharing it with someone does have benefits. You get to share your electricity and heating bills, you can debate 'til you're both blue in the face about a movie you've just watched and joy of joys there are no more single room supplements. But much more than that is being able to share your innermost thoughts, fears, and even hopes with someone who knows you well, who cares about you and a real plus who talks back (ok, so I chatted a lot with the wall when single!).
Now don't imagine even for a moment that singletons are anyway delusional. They are fully aware relationships are not always what they're cracked up to be. They've seen the couples who bicker and fight constantly, and know some who feel just as lonely in their relationship as they might in their solo living. But they will also know couples who make relationships look easy. They hear them laugh, see how they care for one another, and when the going gets tough, as it does even for them, they look on enviously at how they face whatever it is together. For those reasons, singletons will forever hold onto to the optimistic hope that someday they too will find their Mr. Right and the perfect relationship.
Carole Smith is a relationship counsellor, Life Coach and NLP practitioner. She also hosts seminars and workshops and has presented to women's groups, adult-education classes, and corporate organisations.
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