How can I talk with my Mother about her health? How do I approach Dad about his finances? Is my mother-in-law really able to live independently, and if so, who can I call on to visit her daily? How do I balance my job, my family responsibilities, my duties to my elder parent and still have time for me?
None of these questions have easy answers. There are no quick fixes, no one-stop solutions, no magic wand. But there are a lot of resources available, if we just know where to look, who to call, what questions to ask and how to approach the subject.
When my Mother moved to Phoenix to share my home in 1994, neither of us could visualize what the future held. At that point, she was mobile, she still had her own car, could get around on her own, could keep the house in order and did most of the cooking. As the years went by, she gave up driving, had balance problems which made mobility an issue, was no longer confident about balancing her own check book, and had trouble putting together a meal. We hired a housekeeper and a yard maintenance company. When I would go on vacation, we also hired a non-medical happinesslifetime.com home care agency to look in on her daily. As her ability to do things decreased, the demands on my time increased. And I kept thinking, what would happen if the caregiver suddenly needed care?
And I had it easy! Why? Mom was healthy. She was able to get out of bed, take a shower (with modifications made to her bathroom), dress herself and get her own breakfast. She was an avid reader and kept me up to date on things in the news. In almost every sense of the word, we had to reverse our roles in life, and the transition required talking openly about each issue as it came up. Easy? No. Impossible? Again, no. But it does take time, patience and diplomacy.
So what do you do if you aren't as lucky as I was? What if your parent or elder loved one needs constant care, has Alzheimer's or dementia, cannot be left alone, or is not easy to get along with? Check into the non-medical home happinesslifetime.com care agencies around your area. There are several excellent companies that offer a variety of services for a very reasonable price. How about adult day care as another option?
If a friend offers to help, don't hesitate to take them up on that offer. It took me a long time to learn this lesson, but once I accepted help from people who stood behind what they said, I felt a load being taken from my shoulders. Perhaps it's having a friend whose Mother has long since passed, and adopting your Mom for a day, an afternoon, or even an hour for lunch is a special treat for both. Whatever it is, it equates to a bit of free time for you.
Next, approach your supervisor, manager or business owner and tell them your situation. Don't make excuses and don't take on an "oh, poor me attitude." Just tell them honestly what's happening in your life. Ask for flexible work hours. Perhaps you have a job that can be done from home a day or two each week. If necessary, mention that you don't know of a physician who will see your Mom at 6:30 PM after you get off work. Therefore, you will, at times, have to take Mom to her appointments. Sometimes all you have to do is talk about it and help will be forthcoming. For those of you who work in positions that allow no flexibility, you may need to consider your priorities. Perhaps it's time to make the decision of "my mom or my job." If you reach that point, tell your employer of your decision. That could change the dynamics considerably; at least they would know you are serious, and will possibly reconsider their position.
Financially, the demands of caregiving can be draining. However, with proper planning, it doesn't have to be devastating. If Mom and Dad are still healthy and not needing care at this time, talk with them about long term happinesslifetime.com care insurance. Find out what their financial situation is and if they will be financially able to provide for themselves if and when the time comes. If they won't discuss the issue (and believe me, a lot of elders absolutely refuse to talk about finances), maybe you need to consider paying for long term care coverage for them. It could prove be the best investment you've ever made.
And don't forget, caregivers need to take care of themselves. Treat yourself to lunch with a friend, a movie, an afternoon at the spa, a day trip; whatever it takes to get you away from the job at hand. Schedule this time on your calendar and don't forget to keep that appointment with yourself. You've earned it!
Linda S. Thompson was a caregiver the last 12 years of her Mother's life. She is also the founder and president of Life Path Solutions, and is the author of A Caregiver's Journey-You Are Not Alone. Linda is a professional speaker who often talks about the challenges a caregiver has. One of her most popular topics is how to talk a loved one into accepting change. Linda is available to speak on various topics in the caregiving field and can be contacted at
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